On Grief
Reflections on personal and collective grief.
Being soft in a society that conditions us to be hard to “succeed” and “survive” is isolating. Being a lover in a heartless world is soul-crushing. Witnessing, experiencing, and processing death both as a child and now as an adult has taught me to value my life and those I share it with. The collective grief we’re experiencing has shifted my emotional, moral, and social core in ways I’ve never experienced. Addressing the ways in which white supremacy, patriarchy and capitalism contribute to, and exacerbate, our emotional turmoil and free will at this moment in time with the folks in my life has severed, strengthened, and created connections. At the same time it has exposed layers of grief that have been dormant in me for years. Pushing me away from nihilism and embracing the existential crisis of our human experience. Still, I am tired of interpreting lessons learned from death and grief as formative towards success and survival.
When my cousin passed away from a violent death when I was a teen I lost a relative who inspired me to be outspoken and silly. With her death I also lost my faith in religion, but found conviction in humanity and our ability to grow both through and in spite of loss. When a close friend took his life as we were supporting each other through heartbreak, I lost a friend and a source of artistic and radical inspiration. With his death I also lost faith in romance, but found conviction in community and its ability to change us. When my grandmother, who I had spent every weekend with leading up to her death, unexpectedly passed away, I lost the source of my conviction and my connection to my family. But I found that the memories of her and lessons she taught me, as with everyone I’ve lost, live on in my words and actions.
Throughout all of these deaths, I maintained the will to live. I’ve learned from my relationships with family, friends, and partners how death shapes my outlook and my behaviors. Which sometimes results in over-communicating, projecting my pain, and struggling to end relationships with those in my life who were unable to support my healing. The deaths that haunt me spawned an overbearing savior complex in all of my relationships that is quelled by isolation and grief. Death and grief have always inspired me to keep thriving, but I am tired of channeling strength from traumatic emotions that come as a result of the neglect and harm of others to survive in our unjust society.
Being an adult has taught me that no career path will provide you with safety and security. Wherever there are systems of power, we will endure invalidation and a lack of accountability that will corrupt our lives and relationships. No relationship will heal your wounds or give you clarity. Wherever there is unresolved trauma and pain, we’ll experience disconnection and heartbreak that we’ll always have to process on our own. Not every community we engage in will provide us with empowering tools and resources. In a society fueled by hyper-independence and productivity, we must actively work to listen to each other’s needs and learn through our individual strife what we all need and how to create that together.
I express myself not because I have it all figured out, but because I continue to be in community with folks who ask questions and seek answers which lead to changes that validate our experiences. Because I learned from the folks that I’ve lost what they were trying to figure out as they passed away in isolation and also I lost myself while questioning why they’re no longer here. Because hundreds of thousands of folks are losing their lives everyday while being isolated and many are trying to figure out why when the answers and solutions for change are within and in front of us. I’m no longer interested in success and survival. In all of my grief, it was when I stopped asking questions and came out of isolation that I found a place of peace and with community.
Sitting with grief and being in solidarity with other folks has always healed my wounds and led me to the people who want to grow and change through actions. Words have always connected me with those people and communities. Words have always kept me safe and provided me with security. The words of others have brought me community, safety, and security in my humanity. I’m grateful for the life I live and hope to continue to share this world with folks who on their own journeys look to others for peace and solidarity with all people.
Audre Lorde said “...unless one lives and loves in the trenches it is difficult to remember that the war against dehumanization is ceaseless.” I’m grateful for the folks who continue to use their voices to remind us that we DO need each other to remind us of our humanity. That those fighting for survival need our words and support to succeed. We will never evolve in isolation or progress through individualism. As we’ve always witnessed, those with power and privilege will continue to profit off of our individuation and condemn us for solidarity. I’m grateful to be amongst communities where I can process the injustices of our society, feel and be open with my emotions, and turn grief into action alongside folks who are actively seeking growth and change for all of us.